COUPLES ISSUES: THE FUNNY LISTS
As I mention on this website, I am not a couples therapist but I do offer similar services. My
background is business consulting but over the years I have managed to help a lot of
couples. I think the reason is that my approach is very human. A company is like a household,
it’s made of people who have tasks and work together to reach a goal. Understanding the
human behaviour of a work place allows you to reflect these teachings with couples as well.
NOTE: knowing how to fix couples does not mean my own relationship is perfect. I still have
discussions with my wife. I still get it wrong, she still gets it wrong. I am not perfect. We are
not perfect. A relationship is something you work on every day of your life. If you understand
this then you are at least half way there.
Now back to the story.
I was joined by a couple who owned a business that I had worked on before. They liked the
results and decided to give the couple sessions a try as well.
Let’s call them Fiona and Alex.
Let’s call them Fiona and Alex.
On the surface a bubbly happy couple.
I remember even joking about them coming for a session. I told them “first one is free, I’m
more curious about why you wanna talk to me than anything else”.
The sessions went on for over 6 months and we still talk today.
By half way through the first session, Fiona was in tears and Alex was pretty fired up. I did
not expect it, at all.
I got them to do the talking using some mirroring techniques (e.g. you say “I think we have a
problem” and I reply “ah I see, what do you think the problem is?”, you say “I don’t know” and
I reply “Do you have a starting point from which we could work?”… It’s a way of helping you
rather than forcing my beliefs on you).
When they had met at first it was all travelling going out and having fun.
They didn’t know each other as well as they thought, and they knew each other’s families
very very little too.
Still, they were happy enough together to get to the next phase.
Wedding.
Children.
That’s when things started going wrong.
Why?
Probably because when you have much less time and much less sleep on your hands, when
you have lost most of your freedom and you’re caged between work and home with no
escape to recharge, that’s when those little things which annoyed you can become
mountains.
From then on they kept finding things out about each other which they disliked, or at least so
they said.
When you decide you’re not willing to accept something, you fight it. But if fighting is
everywhere then you have no space, war is everyday, and non-stop war will grind you to a
halt.
So why not break it up and accept the failure?
Because they still felt something was there, they still enjoyed a glass of wine together, they
still had nice moments with their children, and they decided this was worth saving.
Solution?
Mutual understanding, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understanding each
other’s perspective, and making a conscious choice to meet half way.
It can literally become a list of things which “I’ll do for you, if you do these for me”.
It’s not the only approach but it’s a great starting point.
So by the fourth session we were all a lot calmer, I had mapped things out a little better and I’d got them to make some lists. We were even managing to laugh at some of the points which made the experience a lot lighter for everyone.
Being able to laugh at yourself and accept you’re not always right is key in any relationship…
It can literally become a list of things which “I’ll do for you, if you do these for me”.
It’s not the only approach but it’s a great starting point.
So by the fourth session we were all a lot calmer, I had mapped things out a little better and I’d got them to make some lists. We were even managing to laugh at some of the points which made the experience a lot lighter for everyone.
Being able to laugh at yourself and accept you’re not always right is key in any relationship…
There were some very “heavy” points on the lists which would have taken months or even
years to fix, but here are a few apparently small ones which actually made a huge impact in a
short space of time:
Coffee: Alex loved coffee, Fiona didn’t, but Fiona did most of the shopping and always
bought cheap coffee. Alex told her which to buy and she rarely did it. Her reason was
that there were more important items to spend money on like fresh fruit for the kids
rather than on “stupid marketing overly priced junk you brag about”. To Alex that was
unthinkable (not spending money on the kids, but the fact he could not have the
freedom to choose his own coffee). So every morning the fighting would begin 15
minutes after waking, when Alex was forced to drink cheap coffee. We made Fiona
realise that the value of coffee was not related to the price or the children but to the
emotional value that Alex gave to it, and she promised she’d start buying his favourite
brand, which eventually made the mornings a lot easier to deal with!
Washing up: Alex normally washed the dishes in the evening, but when he was too tired
he’d leave them until the next morning. This drove Fiona mad, because in the morning
she was always in a rush and couldn’t do things properly in the kitchen with a full sink.
Alex argued that after such long hours in the office doing the washing up wasn’t
always a priority, so Fiona barked back that he didn’t love his children if he left the
house dirty. You can guess how the rest of that conversation went. In the end Alex
promised to always do the washing up no matter how tired he was. In exchange he
knew there would be a smoking cup of overpriced great tasting coffee waiting for him
in the morning. Lack of nice coffee would have meant he could leave the dishes in the
evening and vice versa.
I also got them to say “I love you” each time they carried out a task which they knew was
important for the other half (this allowed them to remind each other they were making loving
actions for one another). So every time Fiona bought good coffee she’d show it to Alex and
say “I love you” and Alex did the same after washing up in the evening.
I also literally forced them to hug for at least 60 seconds at the end of every session, asking them to do the same at least once a day (before going to bed).
Why?
Because hugging has therapeutic properties, and busy people (even worse busy parents) rarely hug. Try to hug someone for 60 seconds, you’ll be amazed at how uncomfortable you feel after 20 seconds (because you’re not used to it) but how replenished you feel after 60.
As the weeks started rolling, we delved into harder subjects like “extended family”. That’s always a hard one to tackle, because when you become a couple you’re kind of forced into accepting a bunch of people who may be very different from you and who’s interest is normally the happiness of your partner over yours. As it turned out Fiona had a brother who was a bit of a bum. He was often jobless and constantly asked money to his parents and siblings. He was the youngest and everybody felt obliged to do whatever he asked.
Alex came storming in one day accusing Fiona of wasting her money on this useless brother instead of saving it for their children’s education. Fiona was just as furious and accused Alex of wanting to control her and her life. This was going to be a fun afternoon for me… Instead of going through who was right or wrong I began an exercise which gradually took them to externalise their family beliefs on money education siblings and children.
It became clear after this (it took 3 sessions) that Fiona actually put her children far above her brother in her hierarchy of needs, but she had an emotional block towards him because of something which had happened between him and their father when they were young. When this issue came out I had to stop the session because Fiona was in too much pain. I later asked Alex to come on his own and we discussed Fiona’s issue. Alex realised the depth of the issue and agreed that this wasn’t about money, it was about Fiona coming to terms with her past, so the money issue with her brother had to be dealt with differently. I then had a separate session with Fiona where we eventually came to the conclusion that if she wanted to help her brother she had to do it in a healthy way, i.e. not saying yes to everything he asked because she felt guilty but helping him to come to terms with his own issues which he was clearly running away from.
This is a short summary of a few of the things we uncovered, but within 6 months things were good enough for Alex and Fiona to continue the journey on their own. We now touch base just once a year, and mostly joke about the lists. They have a long way to go as do I and as do you or anybody else in any relationship of any kind.
We’re all building today in the hope that what we build creates the basis for a better tomorrow, together.
I also literally forced them to hug for at least 60 seconds at the end of every session, asking them to do the same at least once a day (before going to bed).
Why?
Because hugging has therapeutic properties, and busy people (even worse busy parents) rarely hug. Try to hug someone for 60 seconds, you’ll be amazed at how uncomfortable you feel after 20 seconds (because you’re not used to it) but how replenished you feel after 60.
As the weeks started rolling, we delved into harder subjects like “extended family”. That’s always a hard one to tackle, because when you become a couple you’re kind of forced into accepting a bunch of people who may be very different from you and who’s interest is normally the happiness of your partner over yours. As it turned out Fiona had a brother who was a bit of a bum. He was often jobless and constantly asked money to his parents and siblings. He was the youngest and everybody felt obliged to do whatever he asked.
Alex came storming in one day accusing Fiona of wasting her money on this useless brother instead of saving it for their children’s education. Fiona was just as furious and accused Alex of wanting to control her and her life. This was going to be a fun afternoon for me… Instead of going through who was right or wrong I began an exercise which gradually took them to externalise their family beliefs on money education siblings and children.
It became clear after this (it took 3 sessions) that Fiona actually put her children far above her brother in her hierarchy of needs, but she had an emotional block towards him because of something which had happened between him and their father when they were young. When this issue came out I had to stop the session because Fiona was in too much pain. I later asked Alex to come on his own and we discussed Fiona’s issue. Alex realised the depth of the issue and agreed that this wasn’t about money, it was about Fiona coming to terms with her past, so the money issue with her brother had to be dealt with differently. I then had a separate session with Fiona where we eventually came to the conclusion that if she wanted to help her brother she had to do it in a healthy way, i.e. not saying yes to everything he asked because she felt guilty but helping him to come to terms with his own issues which he was clearly running away from.
This is a short summary of a few of the things we uncovered, but within 6 months things were good enough for Alex and Fiona to continue the journey on their own. We now touch base just once a year, and mostly joke about the lists. They have a long way to go as do I and as do you or anybody else in any relationship of any kind.
We’re all building today in the hope that what we build creates the basis for a better tomorrow, together.